I stepped on a rotary blade (think pizza cutter) designed for putting wavy edges on paper.
Now I have a 2 inch wavy scar on my foot.

I dislocated my shoulder having sex.

When I was 12 I was Magic Mountain on a road trip with a buddy's family, his dad dropped us off at the park while he gambled at some racetrack.
We were there all day riding stuff and in line to ride "Viper" for whatever reason I suddenly became convinced the ride was going break and I was going to be killed so I freaked out and left the line but I couldn't get out. The way the ride is setup the line goes upstairs and is enclosed, so I tried to leave through a gate in the fence but it wouldn't open, so I hop the fence and it swings open as I'm clearing the opposite side, I go flying off and a huge chunk of flesh gets ripped from my ankle.
Everyone in line seemed to think it was hilarious, I still don't find it funny and oddly enough I was on a different ride later that day that did malfunction and break down.

I'm sure there are a few other hilarious injury stories I have but none come to mind right now, the only ones I can recall besides that are pretty horrific.

I have got to stop walking around the neighborhood as I listen to this show, LMAO. My neighbors are ready to call in a code 5150!

Once when riding bikes down the street with a buddy (at about 15 years of age) he says "You know what? It is really hard to ride a bike if you grab the handles with your opposite hands." I called bullshit, crossed my arms, grabbed the handles with the opposite hands... and almost instantly went careening into the curb, flipped the bike and landed in a bloody tangled heap on the sidewalk.

My friend could barely help me get untangled and standing up he was laughing so hard.

Monk Pants that is close to one of my horrid bike crashes that happened at 15 with a buddy watching but mine all involve cars hitting me, plus I may have told that one here at some point already...
That's a god one MP.

I thought of one that is kinda funny now, when I was 6 I got a Nintendo Power Pad, I allowed a neighbor kid and his brother to borrow it a few weeks after getting it, after them procrastinating and putting me off for about two weeks I finally went to their apartment and after knocking and them telling me to fuck off and go home I started banging on the door and demanded my property, they had the door chained and started mocking me then slammed it and told me to fuck off.
So I went out front and started yelling at their 2nd floor balcony, calling them thieves and probably saying all kinds of other crazy 6yr old Gio insults and they proceeded to then dump a bucket full of bleach into my face and eyes, I was blinded and screaming with bleach in my mouth and nose too.
I managed to crawl up the stairs of a nearby building where my Afghani babysitter lived with her family and she flushed my eyes and face and saved me as her older sons proceeded over to the kid's apt.
the idea of those kids getting the shit beaten out of them by some scary brown people still delights me, haha.

I once got my arm stuck in a wall I punched through. Another time I was an undocumented worker on a film set and a half full bucket of pain fell on my head from a scaffold about 15 feet up. I woke up left handed.

seriusly left handed, from the head trauma huh? man I've had a lot of that in the past few years, that's kinda terrifying.
I've gotten legs stuck in hollow core doors I've put myself through, you just gotta put more force into it and grab a a corner and snap it to free yourself, got a leg stuck in a windshield once, actually got cut more by the shitty wood doors somehow.
I once was with my mom returning a can of paint to the local home depot and the cunt behind the counter smashed the lid down so hard paint shot out and blinded me and ruined my brand new coat, I ran to the bathroom to wash it out but I still have a faint squiggle mark I see floating around in the corner of my eye, man I need some robot replacement parts.

i loved this ep, the whole recent Cioffi run has been great!

"HA HA HA. THAT IS SO FUNNY."

That is seriously way funnier than the "Hack Alert" or rimshot drops. See, I can say something nice about the show! (Oh fuck, I just realized it's a backhanded compliment. Uh...I'll come up with something later. I, uh, forgot to feed my wombat. *scampers*)

when i was about 12 (??) i was at my beach house on Lake Erie and a bunch of us kids were on the raft that was anchored about 20-30 ft from shore. Well being 12 yrs old and idiots in general we all got into a huge game of 'King Of The Raft' which entails pushing, shoving, kicking, tackling, punching, gouging out the eyes, etc of your friends to get them off the raft and to be the 'last man standing.'

Well needless to say, the raft (it was wooden i remember and painted white and blue....i believe its still there to this day) was quite slippery and would tilt and turn and rotate w/all the asshole kids on it. I received a hard push from one of my fellow combatants, my feet went out from under me and i landed right on my back on this hard wooden raft. The pain was excruciating and, being a hypochondricac, i figured i had broken my back and was going to be paralyzed forever.

So i dramatically rolled off the raft into the water and somehow managed to drift/float back to shore. When i got to the shore line i CRAWLED through the hot sand (sobbing) on all fours all the way (maybe 50 yards) back to the front of my house where my dad was sitting on a beach chair reading a book. He looked up when i was maybe 10 ft from him, covered in sand, crawling like a crab and crying (the game was still going on on the raft at this point, i was just another 'casualty of war')

So my dad, angy that i was disturbing his reading, said 'what's wrong with you?" (then looked back down at his book) and i replied, in between gulping sobs, 'i think i broke my back!!!!" (more sobs and i kinda collapsed on one side to make it all the more dramatic) He looked at me again, summed up the situation in 0.00005 milliseconds, and said 'Oh suck it up, jesus christ' and returned, totally unconcerned about my plight, to his book.

Well this complete and utter disregard for my OBVIOUS suffering pissed me off and i screamed 'WHERE'S MOM!!!???!!!!" cuz i knew she'd TOTALLY freak and call in a helicopter to take me to The University of Toronto Trauma Center. He repiled (with head down, still reading his book) "she's on a bike ride with your aunt Iris." So right then and there i knew any attempt for sympathy (or medical care) were gone so i stood up (completely covered in sand) and walked back down the beach to where the raging Raft Battle continued. I stood at the edge of the water and waited for the remaining warriors to stagger back to shore. The winner (I believe it was Steve Ferrara that day cuz he was quick and wiry) did his usual triumph dance and then swam back to shore.

Nobody had even noticed my near death experience NOR my absence (bastards.) And i have YET to forgive my dad.

Gio..... "my Afghani babysitter" L.....O....L!!!!!!!! I've been laughing about this now for 20 minutes! I wont even describe all the rascist imagery i pictured, but it involved a cave, dirty faces and hands, rags for clothes, stones and a burka.

Im a terrible person, i know.

Yeah they were this family that escaped the from Afghanistan in the late 80's told me stories of hiding under livestock while trying to flee, my mom met them at your apt complex when I was 5 and basically left me with them 18hrs-24hrs day for about 5yrs, The dad of the family was a raging alcoholic that was eternally depressed because his wife became agoraphobic after the made it to the states and she resented him even they would have had miserable lives or been killed back there.
They had 3 sons and two daughters, the sons actually got me into early 90's rap, so I was like 7 listening to easy e and NWA.
I got shittons of old stories involving them.

I once threw my back out getting up off a bed to pass the bowl.

Gio, does the 'floater' move and do you only notice it against a light or bright view? That is usually junk inside your eye. It it gets bad all of a sudden it might be parts of your detaching retina, and need to see an eye doctor immediately.

The Facebook page for the show is gone. I think Marc wasn't kidding when he said this was the last show.

lax it's brought on by opening my eyes wide or bright light, i can see it when I close my eyes too, I've had many eye injuries, they go blurry a lot now, like I'll be seeing fine then both eyes go out like I just snorted a keg of blow.
Could it be the bleach? head punches?(in hawaii I had a lot of eye socket hits) some people were once basing coke in a room I was in and the shit popped and flew across the room and hit me in the right eye(sizzling rock of blow) I can't quite remember the floater before that but it might have been there.

I got a new one tonight, I broke my crown with a a really fierce self inflicted face punch while getting chewed out by some cunt at work, that will be funny to me at some point

I one time consumed so much weed that i almost died (at least i convinced myself i was either going to die or go insane) When i was in college i was friends with a 'professional' weed smoker and one day we got the genius idea to buy a pound of weed and sell it to supplement godknowswhat (we were stoners, we were probably gonna buy Doritos, bootleg DVD's, CD's, Hennessey and MORE weed)

So we purchased a POUND of weed off some guy from Trinidad who ran a fake restaurant in Philadelphia to front his drug business and had PLANNED to take it home and sell it. Well first we had to smoke like 4 blunts w/him to make sure we werent cops (i was the only white person for 105 blocks if you dont count the cops or paramedics picking up the criminals/dead) Finally he sold us the pound (it was in giant ziplock type bag) put it in a red MACY'S bag which we then drove (slowly) home wiith.

To make a long story short, NONE of that weed was sold, we smoked it ALL. I even made pot brownies with it. I had never made nor consumed pot brownies in my life and didnt know what the hell i was doing, so i cooked an OUNCE of weed into a small metal brownie tray (maybe 10" by 10") I ate one piece expecting immediate results and when nothing happened i ate the rest of the tray in succession (madder than hell that this whole 'pot brownie thing was a farce!).

Well 30 minutes later i was STONED OFF MY ASS and not the 'good' kind of stoned. I thought i was gonna die (i remember crying in the shower while talking to someone who wasnt there...they answered too LOL!) I called my stoner friend and informed him of my actions and i remember he paused.....laughed REALLY HARD then told me to come pick him up. I couldnt even find the keys let alone the CAR at this point (it was parked right outside my living room window.) I considered going to the ER ("yeah, hi. I ate an ounce of pot and now i think im gonna die. Can you hear my heat pounding cuz i can? Am i talking real loud?? OMG did you hear that??!! Where the fuck am I??? ARE YOU GONNA CALL THE COPS!!!!)

Well my friend finally arrived at my house, convinced me i was gonna be alright (by telling me to "shut the fuck up, you're just REALLY baked!'' about 1000 times) and we played video games, listened to music (cuz music is ALWAYS better when you're stoned!) and watched war movies for about 3 or 4 straight days. Im not sure i even changed my clothes. After i recovered, i NEVER smoked/ate weed ever again (and i used to chain smoke weed like ppl smoke cigarettes)

Well, I was going to share my story of falling off my skateboard (at the age of 8) and laying on the sidewalk, wailing loudly for my mommy, .... blah, blah, blah .... But damn. My story sucks compared to Polly! I'd have to add that I snorted coke that I stole from my dad, stole the skateboard, and some dude ran me over with his moped.