Completely dissatisfied with the topic of snakes and how to properly dispose of them, Marc talks about what his parakeet would be like, and how it would help talk him through hard times.

Start your week off right with a Monday edition of the News Monster. Marc, Tod and Cioffi discuss a man who defecates on people’s lawns (despite their pleas,) the local Pic n’ Save, and much more.

Sometimes, you’re just done with people. For Marc, this is one of those times. The answer lies somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Plus: Tod found some weird porn on the beach, and Marc had an awkward late-night text from an ex.

Tod had a run-in with a porn virus that made him realize just how much he has to answer for himself now that he lives with his girlfriend. Marc and Tod swap stories of living with girlfriends, controlling their own reckless spending and more.

Marc and Tod chat via Skype with Fake Fake Tom Leykis, host of the new “Fake Fake Leykis” podcast, about his motivations, the content of his new show, and his plans for turning a profit.