The Bits

The News Monster

John Salwin's news segment.

99 episodes · 2009–2013

• 43: The News Monster: May 1st, 2009 May 1, 2009 · from 02:23
• 45: Quickie: Fish Feel Pain May 5, 2009 · from 00:04
• 46: Sexting: Good or Bad? May 6, 2009 · from 27:53
• 51: People Who Eat Boneless Chicken Are Not Men May 13, 2009 · from 03:05
• 54: The News Monster: May 18th, 2009 May 18, 2009 · from 01:49

  “now, it's the Low Budget News Monster”

• 59: The Tracy, Marc and Tod Show May 25, 2009 · from 09:40
• 63: The News Monster: May 29th, 2009 May 29, 2009 · from 05:19

  “now, live from the low-budget barn, it's the Low Budget News Monster.”

• 73: The News Monster: June 12th, 2009 Jun 12, 2009 · from 06:33
• 83: The News Monster: June 26th, 2009 Jun 26, 2009 · from 14:00
• 89: The News Monster: July 6th, 2009 Jul 6, 2009 · from 06:40
• 95: Shelf Butt and The News Monster Jul 14, 2009 · from 02:09
• 103: The News Monster: July 24th, 2009 Jul 24, 2009 · from 08:08

  “it's the low-budget news monster, ladies and gentlemen”

• 108: The News Monster: July 31st, 2009 Jul 31, 2009 · from 05:40
• 114: The News Monster: August 10th, 2009 Aug 10, 2009 · from 00:44
• 120: The Low Budget 100th Showtacular Aug 18, 2009 · from 08:15

  “it's a vicious beast that comes into the studio and he brings us news stories”

• 123: The News Monster: August 21st, 2009 Aug 21, 2009 · from 04:05

  “No budget news monster.”

• 131: The News Monster: September 2nd, 2009 Sep 2, 2009 · from 00:39
• 138: The News Monster: September 11, 2009 Sep 11, 2009 · from 07:17
• 147: The News Monster: September 23rd, 2009 Sep 23, 2009 · from 00:55

  “Are you ready for the Wednesday edition of The News Monster?”

• 154: The News Monster: October 2nd, 2009 Oct 2, 2009 · from 02:33

  “Low budget news monster. Open up height.”

• 165: The News Monster, Sports and Club Drugs Oct 16, 2009 · from 01:29
• 175: The News Monster: November 6th, 2009 Nov 6, 2009 · from 01:03

  “it's time for The News Monster”

• 185: The News Monster: November 20th, 2009 Nov 20, 2009 · from 03:01
• 193: The News Monster: December 4th, 2009 Dec 4, 2009 · from 03:20
• 198: The Food Truck Phenomenon Dec 14, 2009

  “What is the Paperboy reference for the News Monster show?”

• 201: The News Monster: December 17th, 2009 Dec 17, 2009 · from 06:13

  “It's the low-budget news monster.”

• 211: The News Monster: Fake Bigfoot, Ransomed Pot, Horse Death Threats Jan 11, 2010 · from 04:40
• 220: News Monster: Terror Pissing, The Goat, The Third Jaime Jan 22, 2010 · from 02:59
• 226: News Monster: Choking on Chili, When Pastors Attack, Vehicle Immolation Feb 2, 2010 · from 03:58
• 236: News Monster: All White Basketball, Wonder Undies, Dangerous Self-Love Feb 16, 2010 · from 06:28
• 244: News Monster: Drunk Chimps, Kidnapped Drunks, Murderous Whales Mar 1, 2010 · from 04:01
• 245: An Impassioned Plea to Adam Carolla Mar 2, 2010 · from 19:11
• 255: News Monster: Pot Smoker Fired, Clown Mask Found, Funerals Useless Mar 16, 2010 · from 02:15

  “the budget news monster”

• 259: News Monster: Interstates, God Complexes Mar 22, 2010 · from 01:12
• 264: News Monster Mar 29, 2010 · from 02:55
• 269: News Monster Apr 5, 2010 · from 07:15
• 275: News Monster: Drunk Truckers, Breastfeeding Apr 13, 2010 · from 04:10
• 284: News Monster: Dolphin Suicide, Undrafted, Sex Or Cuddling? Apr 26, 2010 · from 10:10
• 289: News Monster: Topless Beaches, Greek Debt, 200 Man Fights May 3, 2010 · from 10:42

  “the news monster blah blah blah blah blah”

• 299: News Monster: Texting During Sex, Russian Bribery, Famous Original Papa Johns May 17, 2010 · from 07:43
• 304: News Monster May 24, 2010 · from 02:42
• 309: News Monster: Millions of Bees, Justin Bieber F-Word, The Space Team May 31, 2010 · from 07:39

  “the news monster this hype will open up”

• 314: News Monster: Extreme Abuses of Power, Terminator Jesus, Untold Hotness Jun 7, 2010 · from 06:35

  “Oh, here we go. The News Monster.”

• 319: News Monster: Unhealthy Pro Gamers, Radio-Loving Nudists Jun 14, 2010 · from 02:26
• 324: News Monster: Real Lightsabers, Stolen Camels, Mooning Hell's Angels Jun 21, 2010 · from 02:16
• 329: News Monster: Drinking for 4 Days, FaceTime for the Friendless, Your Very Own Village Jun 28, 2010 · from 00:55
• 335: News Monster: Cocaine World Cups, Powering Through, iPhone Cheating Jul 6, 2010 · from 01:12
• 339: News Monster: Manga Causes Insanity, Korean Robotic Machine Guns, Jihad Monkeys Jul 19, 2010 · from 01:09
• 346: News Monster: Vader Robs a Bank, Cougars Die Young, Faked Kidnappings Aug 2, 2010 · from 06:29

  “The News Monster.”

• 351: News Monster: Sextortion, Kissin', Ancient Mariners Aug 16, 2010 · from 01:05
• 354: News Monster: Cutting Cars, No Fat Chicks, Loose Baboons Aug 23, 2010 · from 02:39
• 357: News Monster: Flying Jeeps, Duck Tribes, Manually Boosting The Birth Rate Aug 30, 2010 · from 03:43
• 360: News Monster: German Commies, Crooked Speeding Licenses, Joys of Bordello Ownership Sep 6, 2010 · from 06:01
• 363: News Monster: Sex Boxes, Dangerous Stuffed Ponies, Very Unnecessary Imagery Sep 13, 2010 · from 02:12
• 366: News Monster: Getting Lucky, Boardwalk Empire, Handling Horses Sep 20, 2010 · from 07:05
• 369: News Monster: Fending Off Bears, TP Shortage, and Foiled Robberies Sep 27, 2010 · from 03:14
• 372: News Monster: Nearly Naked, Pet Alligators, The Ochocinco Sex Line Oct 4, 2010 · from 06:29
• 375: News Monster: Super Impromptu Edition Oct 11, 2010 · from 04:44

  “we did not prep the news monster.”

• 381: News Monster: Canada's Most Powerful Beer, Copper Wire Thieves, Flint Hates High School Boosters Oct 25, 2010 · from 06:33
• 384: News Monster: Mars Is Still Wet, Mandatory Birth Control, Canine Echolocation Nov 1, 2010 · from 14:24
• 390: News Monster: Boomerangs, Beard Eating, Sexy Bikini Posters Nov 15, 2010 · from 04:15

  “Low budget news monster.”

• 396: Jan. 10, 2011: The Logistics of Starting a Bar, Yahoo! Answers, Cioffi's Mafia Minute Jan 10, 2011 · from 40:23
• 398: Jan. 24, 2011: Pico Robertson Adjacent, Dirty Pictures, Crime Team Applications, News Monster Jan 24, 2011 · from 32:26
• 402: Feb. 7, 2011: Billy Dee Williams Jr., News Monster, Listener Mail, Time 2 Learn Feb 7, 2011 · from 17:16
• 405: Feb. 16, 2011: Bring Back The XFL, Tweaking Rugby, Mafia Minute, News Monster, Pickup Line Of The Week Feb 16, 2011 · from 22:33
• 409: Mar. 4, 2011: Ask The Love Robot and The News Monster Mar 4, 2011 · from 26:02
• 410: Mar. 9, 2011: Of Boaties and Boatsmen, News Monster, Time 2 Learn Mar 9, 2011 · from 13:14
• 413: Mar. 14, 2011: The New Jingle, Marc Wants A Motorcycle, News Monster Mar 14, 2011 · from 24:05
• 415: Mar. 21, 2011: Meeting The Parents, NCAA Lock Of The Week, New Sponsors, Drunken Letters To Netflix, News Monster Mar 21, 2011 · from 33:47
• 417: Mar. 28, 2011: Begging For iPads, Crooked LA Cops, Cioffi's Organ Harvesting, News Monster Mar 28, 2011 · from 11:21
• 419: Apr. 4, 2011: Juicer Sabotage, Worst Comedy Routine Ever, News Monster, 6 On Your Side Apr 4, 2011 · from 14:45
• 423: Apr. 17, 2011: Brent's Terrible Story, Dark Thoughts, News Monster, Bang Zamboni Apr 17, 2011 · from 19:15
• 425: Apr. 24, 2011: Fun Banter, Lock of the Week, Dark Thoughts, News Monster Apr 24, 2011 · from 10:50
• 427: May 2nd, 2011: Bomb Threats, News Monster, Guide To Life: The Fixx May 2, 2011 · from 19:07
• 428: May 9, 2011: Crazy Drunken Ramblings, When's It A Date?, News Monster May 9, 2011 · from 18:02
• 432: May 19, 2011: An Awesome Concert, News Monster May 19, 2011 · from 22:36
• 434: May 25, 2011: The Long Sad Pub Crawl, Sword Menacing, Dark Thoughts, Stuff Real Girls Know May 25, 2011 · from 09:02
• 435: May 30, 2011: Stand Against Sitting, News Monster May 30, 2011 · from 11:27
• 437: June 6, 2011: Marc's Spirit Animal, Brent Gets Locked Out, MANGRATE, Lock of the Week, News Monster Jun 6, 2011 · from 13:40

  “Now it's time for Mike Cioffi's Lock of the Week.”

• 439: June 12, 2011: Marc Attends The 2011 Califur Convention and News Monster Jun 12, 2011 · from 16:39
• 441: June 20, 2011: Buy Cioffi's Love For Hockey, Return Of The Jedi Sucks?, News Monster Jun 20, 2011 · from 21:29
• 443: June 27, 2011: In Memoriam Of Whitey, News Monster Jun 27, 2011 · from 07:21
• 446: July 11, 2011: Anti-Freschetta Sentiments, Wes Zaarly, News Monster Jul 11, 2011 · from 14:16
• 448: Comic Con Memories, News Monster, Rap Education Jul 18, 2011 · from 10:28
• 452: Riots, Reunions, Drunken Mayors, Angry Sturgeon, Crying Women Aug 1, 2011 · from 12:16

  “News monster. With death, I can finally step out in the shadows.”

• 458: Aug. 25, 2011: Dog Out-Thinks You, Twitter Scam-a-Palooza, Yahoo Answers Aug 25, 2011 · from 05:15
• 463: Sep. 20, 2011: Snackin' Batches, Johnny Blowseller, Knife Murder Bot, The Lunesta Regimen Sep 20, 2011 · from 27:16

  “Low budget news monster. Bless it!”

• 475: Getting What's Yours, Lock of the Week, News Monster May 6, 2012 · from 13:44
• 476: May 21, 2012: Pressing Forward, News Monster May 21, 2012 · from 10:59
• 479: June 27, 2012: The News Monster That Never Was Jun 28, 2012 · from 00:31
• 482: Aug. 4, 2012: Marc Phones It In (Bonus) Aug 5, 2012 · from 07:24

  “We've got a full news monster prepped.”

• 483: Aug. 5, 2012: Forbidden Olympics Sex, Conflicts of Interest, News Monster Aug 5, 2012 · from 25:15
• 485: Aug. 19, 2012: Marc The Social Outcast, The Dumb Sea, News Monster Aug 20, 2012 · from 14:48
• 488: Sep. 17, 2012: Marc Runs For School Board Sep 18, 2012

  “Does that not sound like what we do with our apprentices and the news monster?”

• 489: Sep. 24, 2012: There Will Be Bad Jokes, Beer Catastrophe, News Monster Sep 25, 2012 · from 09:11
• 493: Festivals & News Monster Aug 19, 2013 · from 21:11
• 496: Insta-Wingmen and News Monster Sep 1, 2013 · from 17:46
• 497: Notary Snipers and Phony Closed Captions Sep 10, 2013 · from 24:53
• 499: Dream Journals, Velociturkeys and News Monster Oct 20, 2013 · from 30:56